A Thanksgiving post

This post is a post where you get to peek inside my most private thoughts. I am not, generally speaking, the type of person that bears my soul. But there is something about this blog that makes me feel a little more open to share how I'm feeling. Honestly, I think my real life friends are probably learning more about me while reading my blog than they ever have just talking to me. How is it, that such a private person, such as myself, has so freely opened my heart onto a blog. That's for another post though..

It's Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada. 

And I'm hosting it again.

Now, I really love to open up my home to people, make a really nice meal that people enjoy, play a few games, make a new centerpiece, and basically have my home filled with family and friends and laughter.

What I don't enjoy is the few days before the event.

Cuz I stress out. In a big way. Like, I want to curl up in my bed and cry because I'm so overwhelmed.

I feel so bad if my house isn't in perfect shape, I don't like if I don't have at least three different options for dessert, I am embarassed if my centerpiece isn't up to my (nearly impossible to reach) standards. I want to cancel if I don't have enough matching cutlery/plates/chairs.

Please note, my nearly impossible to reach standards only applies to myself. I would never set that kind of expectation on family/friends/children. I'm only this hard on myself.

Because we're on a budget. A tight one at that. Certain things in our life aren't exactly what I want. Stupid things really. Things that don't really mean that much in the grand scheme of things. Things such as:

I hate my dining room table. I only have 4 chairs, which means when more than that come over, someone has to sit in a lawn chair, which doesn't quite reach the table, so that person ends up looking comically short.

We have limited seating in the living room because of limited space. So, again, when there are more than 4 people, it gets pretty cramped.

My kitchen is teeny, tiny. So when I am cooking/baking/entertaining I tend to get really anxious and annoyed when more than 1 person is in the kitchen. And really, that 1 person should be me, and only me. In my mind anyway.

See? Stupid things really. I mean, overall my life is pretty awesome. I have a home full of love. I have people who love and care for me. I have the best (looking) husband in all the world and a happy, sweet and gorgeously healthy baby. Both who love me with all their hearts.

But back to my self doubt.

I am in a whirl wind of fretting.

I am annoyed that my apartment is never as clean as I want it to be. I am frustrated that I had to send Cuinn out to get me flour and salt because I forgot to get them when I was grocery shopping, I hate that I have to do laundry in a laundry room because I don't have a washer and dryer in my apartment.

But really, it all boils down to one main thing.

I hate doing this alone.

And by alone, I mean without my mum.

My mum and dad always go all out over the holidays. Thanksgiving, Easter and Christmas anyway. My mum is always baking up a storm, my dad is setting up decorations and getting us all into the holiday spirit, my brother and I (and our significant others) are all at home and we're a family unit again. I'm in the kitchen, helping mum with the cooking and watching her bake, hoping to figure out what she does that makes it taste so much better than when I make it. Trying to piece together how my parents make it look so damn easy.

Because it's really tough having to be the parent, when you've been parented for so long.

Having the responsibility of hosting the holidays.

Having to keep traditions alive while trying to figure out our own family traditions.

Having to cook the whole turkey dinner. All by myself. Without the training wheels of a mum close by.

Having to be responsible. Every. Single. Day.

Having the pressure of having all the answers and always knowing what to do.

I know that I have it really easy, compared to others. My mum and dad are just a phone call away. They will be home in a little over a year. I'm getting to see them in January.

But the holidays without them?Boy, do they ever suck.

I mean, my brother and sister in law are here. Which is awesome. They're who's coming for dinner on Monday. My brother and I are very close, and I really love my sister in law. She might have been my brothers choice, but she's my friend for real. Honestly, if they weren't here, I'm pretty sure I would melt down even more at the holidays. As it is now, I basically have to keep myself extremely busy.

Hence the cleaning, the baking pies from scratch, the over planning Aislynn and my day so I don't have a minute to think about how I wish my mum and dad could be here to see her first Thanksgiving. I don't have to think about how Cuinn must be feeling with his family so far away too. I basically just try not to think too much. I like it that way.

So, as we approach another holiday, I will sit and reflect on my life thus far. I might be a little (actually, a lot) sad about my family being so spread out, but I also remember the many blessings God has given me.

I'm Thankful for a man who is my best friend, my partner, my lover.

I'm Thankful for a daughter whose smile lights up a room and reminds me that she is an answer to prayer.

I'm Thankful that I have my health.

I'm Thankful that I have parents who I miss, because it shows that there is real love between us.

I'm Thankful for a brother who goes out of his way to help me, in any way that he can.

I'm Thankful for a sister in law, who is more of a friend than I was expecting and who I can call upon when I'm lonely.

I'm Thankful that I have food on my table every day and I never go without.

I'm Thankful for a roof over my head and floors under my feet.

I'm Thankful that I live in a country that I can love and praise the God who gave me all of these things.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving, friends.