Warning. I'm not worrying about who is going to be
offended by this post. I've got a lot of feelings going on, and I have tried to
be considerate of other people's feelings. Which has been pointless since the
same people have no consideration for mine. So. If you are feeling extra
sensitive, it would probably just be best to not continue reading.
There has
been a lot of things going on in our home in the last little while. Some things
that I just can't post about because family stuff is private. Plus, I don't
think I need to share those intimate details with the whole wide web. Or at
least the 30 people who follow my little corner of the web. Suffice to say (is
that the way that saying goes?) we have a lot of family things happening. Which
already puts Cuinn and I at stress level midnight.
As they
say though; when it rains, it pours.
Cuinn and
I went to the Early Years Center here in town. I was so excited to have Cuinn
with Aislynn and I today. This was the first time he was able to come, and I
was so excited.
We had a
mostly good time. Cuinn was able to see how Aislynn goes about her playing in
the big backyard. How she gives her friend B hugs. How I have a few really
great moms to chat with (Jenn, Jenny, Michelle, Jenn. Just to name the ones who
were there). These women who I am able to complain to, because I know they will
encourage me, as I encourage them. There are other moms who have been so amazing here, and they deserve recognition too, but right now is not the time.
The part
he didn't like?
The
judgey moms and the cliques he saw.
Now, I'm
a stay at home mom. I already know that moms are bitches.
Whoops,
sorry did that offend you?
But what
hurts me, is that my husband, who was there one time, and was surrounded by my
supportive friends, noticed other moms. Who kept giving him looks, and staring
at Aislynn and watching her play, making Cuinn feel like he was on show.
After
that, we got to talking about what my day to day is like and I think he was
pretty upset at some of the stories that I told.
See, I
try really hard to keep that part out of my daily stories I tell him. He
doesn't need to know that there are moms out there, in my tiny town, who make
me feel tiny. And hurt. Because when I do tell him? He wants to run to
my rescue and fix it. Which is why I love him, but I need to
"fight my own battles" as they say.
That's my
point though. I'm not going to fight with these moms. They don't like me? Well,
too bad. It hurts a lot, because I am one of those people who will go home and
cry about it while my kid naps. But on the other side of that, I live in a
tiny, little town. And I am going to have to put up with the stupid, childish,
mommy drama for the rest of my time here. Our kids will grow up together, they
will go to school together, be in brownies together, in music lessons together,
go on field trips together, possibly be friends, or be in the same group of
friends together.
So how am
I dealing with it?
I've
distanced myself.
Because I
know, with all of my heart, that once I start telling these people that they
have hurt me, or made me want to protect my child, that it will be a slow fall
to us being on the outside.
So I
stick to my friends who have been here. Who call me. Who ask me how I am. Who
love my child. Who make me feel like a valued person.
After
thinking about this, and talking about it with Cuinn, it really made me start
questioning things though.
Wondering
why it's like this? Why can't all the moms just get along? Why do people have
to be in separate groups?
Honestly?
I have absolutely no answers.
All I can
say right now, is that growing up means nothing sometimes. There are always
going to be people who hurt you and you can't avoid it. Ever. But what you can
do, is grow a thicker skin. Surround yourself with people who make you feel
good.
Not
everyone is going to like you, but there will always be people who do. Keep
your eyes on that.
3 comments:
Funny you post this today, just as I finally succumb to being upset by the clique's and letting it affect me. I never once growing up let myself get caught in the middle. Today (and really the past week), I actually cared and it hurt my feelings.
I've learned my lesson. Go back to distancing, as you've said. The people who are worthwhile will work their way in - as you have seen. MotherCare seems so long ago now, doesn't it?
I think that is one of the hardest part so being a stay-at-home mom. When I was home, I was really vulnerable to that - the moms who ignored me at the Family Place, the moms who would give me advice and treat me like my colicky baby was my fault, the moms whose kids were geniuses at 6 months and who looked at my kid like she was a bit "off". It hurts. When that's your entire world and you don't get any other feedback, it's really, really hard. That's why it's so important to surround yourself with people who aren't like that. I live in a small town, too, and I just tried to see it as my chance to check out future friends and their families - whose houses my kids would be allowed to visit and which kids would only be allowed to come here.
I don't want to sound preach-y but it does get easier as they get older. The kids even out, they snobby moms get embarrassed by their kids and learn to be a bit more forgiving, you grow more confident in your own parenting and what's right for your family and, if you go back to work, you get another perspective. Honestly, I loved being home and going back to work was painful but it really did help me to keep things straight.
Keep your eyes on the prize and cherish the people who build you up and make sure you work hard to make time for them. They will save your sanity and remind you to love yourself. Those other people? They'll get their own in the end (or so I tell myself).
And if you ever want to vent, I'm here by email or phone.
Reminds me of a little chat our son and I had this a.m. He was nervous of facing something that might bring teasing and comments from another kid - he's trying to understand why this happens, indeed perhaps why HE puts others down sometimes! Invariably these attitudes are rooted in insecurity. K found that hard to believe at first as the girl is confident and sure she has the answers to everything even at this young age :) It's helped Kyle, and me, to recognize this . . . my own insecurities bring out some pretty nasty behaviour! Probably without fail, insecurity is at the root of many of the attitudes you pick up on in groups like this. There's an awful lot of pressure out there! Take heart . . . Jesus delights in you and all the love and joy you bring to your husband and precious daughter as you live in His strength! I can imagine that at times people aren't quite sure what to do with that joy and love of life :)
Wendy H.
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