A Last Pregnancy...

I am nauseous

all day long and most of the night.

But it doesn't matter.

I am not quite showing, but I look kinda chunky.

But it doesn't matter.

I haven't been able to sleep for longer than 3 hours in a row in 2 months.

But it doesn't matter.

My first due date was a month and a half off.

But it doesn't matter.

I've developed an intolerance to lactose.

But it doesn't matter.

My eye sight has gone fuzzy again.

But it doesn't matter.

We have to move. Again.

But it doesn't matter.

I have to get a shudder minivan.

But even that doesn't matter.

None of that matters, because this is the last time I will grow a child inside of me. This is the last time I will feel the movements of a baby that Cuinn and I made out of love. This is the last time I will worry over whether that coke that I drank will actually harm the little living creature that is sucking it's thumb in my womb.

This is my last pregnancy.

And although pregnancy to me is akin to a 10 month sentence to the hottest depths of hades, I am cherishing all these moments. Because this is my last one. The last little person Cuinn and I will welcome into my body and into our home and into our family. 

4 years ago I never thought I would be here. I spent night, after night, in tears. Crying out, hating God for not giving Cuinn and I a child. Why couldn't I get pregnant? What was I doing wrong? What else could I do? When would it happen? Would it happen? What was wrong with me? 

Cuinn and I would be devastated, every month that there was no baby. We kept that between us, our private pain. Our private failure. Our own disappointment.

Finally, March 9th, 2011, our first little girl was brought into this world. Aislynn, which means Dream, or a Vision. And she was. We dreamed of her. We prayed for her. We watched my belly grow and grow and grow. We agonized over the perfect name, what kind of parents we would be, what kind of child she would be. Then she came, and we forgot all the plans. All the worrying. All the stress. We were in love. In love with our baby.

2 years later, on April 17, 2013, Lorelei joined our family. Our quiet little Lorelei. My love bug. My cuddler. My girl. She came when we didn't even know we needed her. And we do. We need Lorelei in our life. Aislynn needs Lorelei in her life. Our family just isn't our family with our Lorelei.

And now, dear child, who is as small as an olive. You are what our family needs now. You are what I need. I can't wait to look into your eyes and feel that overwhelming gush of love all over again. I have different worries this time. I worry that as the youngest of 3 you may get lost. I worry that my love won't grow as much as it did with Lorelei. I worry that you won't get as much attention as Aislynn did as a baby, and as Lorelei does now. I worry my arms just won't be big enough for 3 kids in one hug. Will Cuinn and my relationship grow even more or will it become strained with the busy-ness that 3 under 3 brings? Will I sleep again? 

All I know, my baby, is that I will try. I will try to remember that all my children need lots of individual attention. I will try to remember to have patience enough for all of you. I will try to not hate the minivan. I will try.

But I won't need to try to fall in love with you. Because I already have.

A list of things...

Making:  some scones. Or I will be when I'm done this blog entry.

Cooking: tacos for dinner. I am so excited. Cuinn is not.

Drinking: Water, loads of water. Trying to not give myself heartburn

Reading: The Time Travellers Wife for book club. Which is in like...2 weeks?

Wanting: my home to magically tidy itself and the laundry to get it's shit together and fold itself too.

Looking: my Lorelei and wondering how this could possible by comfortable...

Playing: with different "C" names.

Wishing: for a vacation. To somewhere hot.

Enjoying: a little bit of me time.

Waiting: for Spring. I miss grass.

Loving: my girls. My funny, kind, thoughtful, loving, amazing girls. 

Hoping: that this pregnancy doesn't give me massive heartburn like the last two did...

Watching: Wonder pets. This show is the devil....

Smelling: the cold outside since I'm sitting beside the open window.

Wearing: PJ bottoms. Which Aislynn just told me was, "Not outside clothes. Get dressed proper mumma."

Following: my dad on twitter AND instagram. Which is awesome.

Noticing: that Lorelei is getting cranky and my "me time" might be cut short.

Thinking: about the tacos I'm going to make and how delicious they will be.

Bookmarking: crochet projects.

Giggling: over this...  Thanks a lot Michelle

Feeling: pretty happy.

A bit of a surprise....

A Response to Amy Glass...

I'm sure you've read the blog from Amy Glass that is floating around the internet lately. If you haven't, you're going to have to Google it. I'm not going to post the link on my blog. I don't want to add to her blog numbers, personally, and be responsible for spreading her hate even more. But if you Google her name, she'll be the first one to pop up.

And I felt like she needed to hear from me. 

Dear Amy,

Oh sweetie. First of all, I just want to give you a hug. You obviously have a lot of anger inside of you to feel the need to bully others into thinking the way you do. To insult someone else's choices to make yourself feel better. It's sad. I'm sorry that being a stay at home mum is so offensive to you that you need to call me stupid.

I just had a few counterpoints for you though.

The thing that hit me like a tonne of bricks as I read your article was that you stated that being a mom is taking "the path with least resistance." Umm...what? I'm sorry, but that's just wrong. First of all, you stated that anyone can get knocked up. Well, thousands of fertility clinics would tell you otherwise. Not everyone can get pregnant. I have a very good friend who tried for 14 years! And when she did get pregnant, she had the worst labour of life followed by 3 + years of pain and torture. Does that sound easy to you? Forget the fact that she has dealt with all this with a young child. Sleepless nights, tantrums, potty training, eating habits. And all this while still putting make up on in the morning and looking pretty put together. We all (the we I'm talking about here are stay at home mums) have to deal with people like you too. Hearing questions like, "So, what are you going to do with your life?" "Are you ever going to get a job?" "What do you do all day?"  would never ask one of my working friends questions like, "So, do you even see your kids?" "When are you going to get your laundry done?" "What do you do all day?" Mostly because it's rude and judgemental. And partially because I just don't care. Who cares what choice they have made? I am so proud of my working mom friends, but I'm equally proud of my "lazy" stay at home mom friends. I actually think YOU have the easier life. You don't have a husband or kids to answer to. If you feel like staying out all night, you can sleep in the next day. If you feel like not doing laundry, then it's just you who suffers. If you aren't really hungry at 5 pm, then you just don't eat dinner. What an easy, and lonely, life you lead Miss Glass.

You stated that being a mom is no where near as important as a doctor or an engineer or a business owner. That hurt. What did you base the importance factor on? How much they make? Because, sweetie, I may not be curing cancer, or building bridges, or running a business with many people under me. But my job (and yes, it is a job) is just as important. I'm raising humans to be kind. To think for themselves. To go after their dreams. To become a doctor. Or an engineer. Or a business owner. Or even, gasp, a stay at home mom.

Because even though you don't agree with my choice, it was a choice. I didn't "get knocked up". We tried for a long time to get pregnant. I didn't just wake up one day and realise I was a stay at home mum, we made that choice. You think being a feminist means having a big pay check and going to work out of the home every day and making other women who don't agree with you feel tiny and insignificant. 

I think being a feminist is praising women for the choices they make. Even when they are opposite to my choices. I'm not angry at you. I'm sad for you. I'm sad that you think so little of me and my life, because if you knew me? You would know how happy I am. How accomplished I am. How amazing I am.

Because, sweetie, I'm fabulous. Even when I'm doing laundry. 

An Admission Of Fear...

It's been a really long time since I posted. I just kinda, ran away from my blog. I've really missed it. I used to write every day. I cherished my hour or two of just writing. I had made a bit of a rule for myself when I started this blog, and it was to edit as little as possible. Sometimes that came out a little rambly. Sometimes I over shared. Most of the time it made me feel vulnerable. All of the time it was honest.

Last year I wrote a blog and it deeply hurt a very good friend of mine. We eventually did talk it through, shared some tears, hugged it out and were made stronger as friends (and Christians) because of it. But that was my first taste of how my written words can hurt and that they do have an impact.

Last summer Cuinn and I were then given a bit of a taste of it and were deeply hurt by someone we really and truly considered a friend. It's the middle of January, nearly 7 months later, and I still think about that hurt daily. DAILY. Since then, I have given up lot of myself. I have become more unsure of myself. More apologetic for who I am. More timid. More scared. I have lost a big part of the confidence in myself that I had finally gained. I said good bye to my blog because I have doubted myself so much. I doubted whether my writing was important. I doubted whether or not my parenting choices were right. I doubted every little thing about myself. It's been a really hard few months. This blog post isn't about the person who hurt us. This isn't an attack on them. That was such a small part of it. How I treated myself after it is the point. And I hope that comes across. 

December was basically rock bottom for me. It felt like everything went wrong. In our personal lives, in Cuinn's professional life, in my walk, in my head. It was a truly, terrible month. Yes, there were a couple high points. But I'm really not exaggerating when I say that it may have been the worst month that Cuinn and I have faced in our marriage. And we've come out the other side holding our heads high.

This year we are calling it our fresh start. I am finally ready to let go of the hurt and guilt that I have been carrying for months. 2013 was difficult in a lot of ways. But all those difficulties are staying there. And now, I'm focusing on the amazing.

And 2013 had some amazing moments.

I gave birth to our beautiful Lorelei Rayne.

Making Aislynn the best big sister ever

We moved to a new place.

We then fell in LOVE with our new place.

My parents moved back to Canada. An hour away!

Cuinn began his Fire Fighter training and was taken on to the volunteer department in our tiny town.

Cuinn and I have learned so much this year. About Love and friendship and pain and marriage and parenting. Our lives have been so enriched with blessings upon blessings upon blessings. And it's time for us to start acknowledging them and being more thankful. 

This year I am making an effort to do things I love and that push me. I am not going to run from my passion because I'm scared. Stay tuned. This momma is gonna grow this year.

A Fall Update...

 I do not know how blogger types with more than one kid have time to blog on the reg and also have their family's fed, looking cute and happy. Y'all must know of some secret I don't. Fill me in, guys!

I miss blogging. A lot. And I am going to make much more effort to be here more often. 

What's been going on? A little bit of everything. Cuinn is currently away in Vancouver. He had his yearly work conference, and he also went a couple days early to hang with his brother. His time with his family went well. He would call with a smile on his face, looking lighter than I've seen him in a long time. I think sometimes (all the time) my man doesn't like to admit to enjoying just being a younger brother. It was good for him to be able to just let loose, and do something fun, without having to worry about a toddler, a baby and a wife. 

Now he is at the conference part of his trip. Let's just say the lightness has disappeared slightly. I kinda wish his brother time had been at the end of his trip, so that he could come home all "young". I love seeing him like that, reminds me of the guy I dated.

Oh this post is starting to sound depressing. Just remember that he's also at a 5 star hotel, eating like a king, partying with Sony and Microsoft and getting to sleep in a big bed, all by himself with no toddler feet in his face and the smell of baby vomit on his overtired wife's shirt! We miss him like crazy, can't wait for him to come home, but we sure are glad he's getting a bit of a rest so when he gets back, this momma can go have a rest!

I saw this post on this chick's blog and I always love a quick and easy bloggity blog blog. So, enjoy!

Making : A baby blanket for a dear friend who is expecting a tiny little girl! 

Cooking : NOTHING! We have been food blessed the last few days with Cuinn being gone. I'm wondering how long I won't have to cook for!

Drinking : Water. Trying to flush out the caffeine induced migraine. 

Reading: Harry Potter series. It's been too long, and I'm in need of some comfort words.

Wanting: My husband home.

Looking: Into road trip tips with two toddlers for next summer.

Playing: Tea party. Every day with Aislynn. I love it.

Wasting: Time on Reddit and Pinterest.

Sewing: Envy. I have it bad. I really need to take my machine over to A.'s house to get that tutorial. 

Wishing: For a mini break.

Enjoying: The quiet.

Waiting: For my head to stop hurting.

Liking: The new granola and banana peanut butter. So delish.

Wondering: If my babies will sleep all night long tonight.

Loving: Grey's. I'm rewatching it from season 1 on Netflix. 

Hoping: For a later wake up call tomorrow.

Marveling: At how loud my clock ticks. Has it always been that loud or am I only just noticing it now?

Needing: A date night. Time by myself. A girls night. In that order. 

Smelling: Baby puke. Lorelei just woke up for a top up for the night, and now I need to change my shirt.

Wearing: Cuinn's pj bottoms. Because they are just way more comfy than mine.

Following: His direction.

Noticing: That my baby Aislynn is not such a baby anymore. 

Thinking: About all that needs to be accomplished this week.

Knowing: That I can do this. I. Can. Do. This.

Focusing: On my family. 

Bookmarking: Christmas idea's. 

Opening: My heart to hear what direction to take.

Giggling: About Aislynn copying my words to Lorelei at bedtime. "Goodnight Lorelei. Love you to the moon!"

Feeling: Filled with thoughts and emotions. I need to let some of them out. 

Thanks for stopping by!

A 50 Things Post...

It's been awhile. There's a few reasons why, and I'm working on a blog post to explain my absence soon. I am just having a hard time getting the words out. Thank you all for the emails though. I'll be back soon. :) 

So I've seen people posting this list of 50 things about them, and as you all know, I love an easy blog post. So I'm going to do it. BUT, for your added pleasure, I'm going to do an extra 30 things. 10 for Aislynn, 10 for Lorelei and 10 for my relationship with Cuinn. Giddy up! 

50 things you may not know about me:

1. I don't shower everyday. In fact, I rarely shower every other day. There are times when I only shower once in a week. I loathe showering. 

2. I don't like wearing socks, but I wear then all the time because...

3. ...I get an ingrown toenail on my big toe when I'm pregnant and I'm too scared to get the surgery on it again and I'm so self conscious about it. 

4. I'm pretty sure onions are the most vile thing on the planet. But I put onion powder in most of my cooking. 

5. Being a mom is so frustrating, exhausting, difficult and, at times, mind-numbingly boring. But I honestly am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been in my life. (Yea, I know it's cliche, but it's so true.)

6. More often than not, I would rather stay home in my sweatpants and watch a movie with Cuinn than go out. 

7. Ice cold milk is the best drink in the world. Any other temperature is the grossest.

8. Cereal is my favorite snack ever. 

9. I used to hate most things chocolate (except uk chocolate). Then I got pregnant with Lorelei. Now my favorite ice cream is chocolate peanut butter, and my go to treat is chocolate. 

10. Phone calls give me small anxiety attacks. I get sweaty, my pulse races, I can't think straight and my impulse is to quickly unplug the phone. I so much prefer emails. Or texting. 

11. I love polka dots. So much. 

12. The thought of my kids going to school and me having to get a job I know I'll hate, depresses me. 

13. I love Big Brother. And I love Amanda. She is going to win and then probably dump her nasty "fiancé" UNLESS, he wins. Then she'll marry him for the money. Y'all can hate on her as much as you want. But she's (and other girls like her) the reason that Big Brother is still going strong 15 seasons later. 

14. When I was very young, I wrote a letter to the prime minister to ask him why everyone can't just have the same amount of money. Then there wouldn't be poor people and everyone would be happy. He wrote back and said, "that's sweet. But no." I still think it could work... 

15. Seeing Cirque in England with my mum was an experience I will never forget. I was so overcome with emotion it was embarrassing.

16. Every time I cross something off my bucket list, I need to cry. I think it's tears of happiness, whatever it is, it feels so good. 

17. I love to crochet. My friend and I even started a little home business, selling home made items. 

18. I miss my lip ring so much, I'm thinking about getting it redone. 

19. Roller coasters are the greatest invention of life. Carnival rides that are just circles are the worst. 

20. Harry Potter is my (not so) secret addiction. I have the biggest crush on Seamus. 

21. Parenthood is my tv addiction. Joel reminds me of Cuinn. Swoon. 

22. Gilmore Girls is still my most favorite show though. 

23. Although I rag on our tiny town quite often, I have never felt more at home or as a part of a community, as I do here. 

24. I'm totally one of those people who LOVE comic book movies. But have no desire to actually read the comics. The Avengers, X-Men, TDK, Spider-Man. Love them all. 

25. Laundry is the worst chore ever, but I love cleaning the bathroom. Seriously. I clean it every day and it makes me happy WHILE cleaning. 

26. I love dressing up. Unfortunately I never get the opportunity to do so. 

27. I sing in my churches worship team. And I LOVE it. A lot. 

28. Summer is the worst season ever. I wish it didn't exist. Even as a kid it stressed me out. 

29. When my brother and I were younger, he would always get me to ask our parents for things. So if we were in the car, and we passed a McDonald's, he would whisper, "Sarah. Ask mum and dad if we can go there for dinner." And I would. So I'm pretty sure the fact that I "always ask for things." Isn't really true, I just asked a hell of a lot more than I actually wanted. 

30. I drive standard. Cuinn and I will never not own a standard. I love it. You should learn if you don't already know how. 

31. Chuck e Cheese pizza is the best pizza I have ever eaten. No, really. It is. 

32. I have a hard time with left and right. 

33. When I was younger I would confuse white and yellow. 

34. I still do the hand trick for my 9 times table. 

35. When I was in 7th grade, I tried really hard to get the French award in school. (Person with the highest mark in French) all year long I studied so hard to win. Everyone thought I was going to get it. On the day the awards were announced, Melissa got the award instead. I was so crushed that I went home and cried. That was the moment I stopped trying so hard in school. I couldn't see the point in trying so hard and then "failing". I have never told anyone that before. 

36. Tulips are my favorite flower because they remind me of my mum.  

37. I sleep with the window open in the winter. It's marvelous. 

38. I hate when people ask my advice because I think, "how should I know? I don't know anything about anything!" (That's not nearly as self deprecating as it sounds)

39. If I could have any superpower I would want to be invisible. And I would totally be a vigilante. With a little villain thrown in for fun. 

40. I went fishing at the cottage this summer. Now, when both kids are crying, Cuinn is working both jobs, dinner is burning and none of my clothes fit. I close my eyes and pretend I'm in a boat on the lake. Fishing. 

41. Campfires soothe my soul. 

42. My favorite kind of alone day is curling up in my bed, a/c blasted, reading a really good book. 

43. I have come around to the idea of living out in the country. Please don't tell Cuinn. 

44. I really love earrings and necklaces but I rarely ever wear them. 

45. Bacon sandwiches are my favorite lunch but since I loathe making bacon, I never eat them. 

46. I am a pretty good cook and can make a pretty delicious pie. I make nearly one hundred squares at Christmas. All the holidays for the last three years have been my cooking, and me alone. I am a wizard in the kitchen. EXCEPT for breakfast. My pancakes are runny in the middle, eggs are either burnt or raw, I overlook bacon. I'm a hot mess when it comes to breakfast. Cuinn rocks breaky in our house. 

47. Going to bed at 9 pm excites me. Seriously. 

48. I play bass guitar. But it's a secret. 

49. I could walk around IKEA all day long and be perfectly content. 

50. Blankets are my favorite couch necessity. 

10 things you may not know about Ailsynn:

1. Her first apgar score when she was born was a measly 2. She was breathing. That was pretty much all she had going for her when they pulled her out. 

2. She loves to wear my shoes around the house while saying, "i'ma diva!" 

3. At bedtime, she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me about a zillion times. It's awesome. 

4. She would much rather play with blocks or be outside than watch a show. 

5. She is "ready for the school bus" and can't wait to start school.

6. She has the carrier gene for CF. something she shares with her daddy. 

7. She is very protective of her baby sister and does not like strangers touching Lorelei. 

8. She loves to take my phone and "call boys." Mostly Calvin. Sometimes Sean. 

9. Her 3 most favorite things to do with mummy are helping in the kitchen, reading books and putting make up on. 

10. She doesn't wear a diaper anymore. She's a big girl! 

10 things you may not know about Lorelei:

1. She lights up as soon as Aislynn enters her vision. 

2. She loves to give big, open mouthed, sloppy kisses.

3. She's the cuddly one.

4. She can roll from her back to her front and then to her back again. 

5. She likes to hold onto daddy's hand while he is driving. 

6. She coos. Oh, she coos. 

7. She really loves bath time with her sister. 

8. She already needs a haircut. At 4 months. 

9. She is going to have abs of steel because she often lays on her tummy with her feet and arms in the air. Like a body surfer. 

10. Her smile is the sweetest thing I have ever seen. 

10 things you may not know about Cuinn and my relationship:

1. We met in a bar. But we usually tell people we met through mutual friends.

2. We were both dating other people when we met. Not for much longer though...

3. Cuinn moved to Ontario to be with me not long after we met. 

4. On our first date we went to see Pans Labyrinth. We thought it would be a nice, light hearted children's movie. It's not. At all. And it's subtitled.

5. I didn't actually think Cuinn liked me when we first met. I kept flirting with him and he didn't really respond. Which made me flirt even more. Turns out he was just nervous. 

6. There is a full foot difference between our height. For our wedding, I wore 6 inch heels for the ceremony so that our kiss wouldn't be so back breaking for him. 

7. One of us believes in soul mates. The other doesn't. 

8. Walking Dead is "our show". We can not watch the most recent episode unless we watch it together. Same with Modern Family. 

9. I said "I love you" first. Sort of. 

10. We can just look at each other, across a crowded room, and know what the other person needs. I love that. 

What's something about you that I may not know?