A Whole Year Old...

My Lorelei. 

You are 1 year old. Where did this time go? Every single mom say this but... It feels like just yesterday your daddy and I were in the hospital, waiting to meet you.

Do you know that you're loved? I hope so.

1 year ago I went into the hospital, a little over a week after you were due to make an appearance, for a little non stress test. I had an ultrasound and I remember, so distinctly, the ultrasound technnician saying, "Oh dear, you have an 11 pound baby in there. At least..." I was all by myself because daddy and I thought that this little test wouldn't say much, since we already had my induction date set for a few days later. But I was sent to the labor and delivery wing to await my midwife and to see what was going on.

Marcia came in and I just started bawling. How was I going to have an 11 pound baby? What if you were even more?!? I was so scared, and Marcia could see that. So she admitted me and I was overwhelmed with the fact that I would be seeing you soon.

I called daddy and told him I was headed home to pack a bag, eat some dinner and going right back to the hospital so we could get things going. I remember thinking maybe daddy had hung up. There was silence on the other end. 

"Hello...? Cuinn? Are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. Alright. Let's have a baby."

We organized someone to watch Aislynn, a whole 'nuther story, and I was back at the hospital. 

After a whole night of nothing. And then a whole day of not enough progress we were told that a successful VBAC was just not in the cards for me.

"Sarah, your body is one size but your baby is a much different size. I don't think it will work. But we will keep trying if you want to."

All I wanted was to see you. Healthy. In my arms and healthy. So off to the OR we went. For my second c - section.

I was being pushed in my bed, completely paralized from the waist down from my epidural (such an anxiety filled feeling.), while your daddy was "suiting up" in his scrubs. The dr's and nurses all gathered round to life me from the stretcher to the table. I kept saying, "I'm sorry I'm not helping. I can't feel my legs." I felt so guilty that they had to life 10 month pregnant me onto the table. 

I was hooked up to all sorts of machines and a big ol' tablecloth was drapped on my chest and hung up so I couldn't see the good stuff, thank God, and then your daddy walked in. 

He came right beside me, kissed my forehead and said,

"You ok, babe?"

"I'm fine. Scared though..."

"You've got this. I'm here. We're going to meet our baby!"

A little bit of pushing, a whole lot of pressure and then...

"WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!"

I instantly felt weightless. You were born! You had entered the world! You were finally here!! 

"It's a girl! Congratulations mom!"

Then you were whisked away, daddy kissed my forehead and said,

"I'll go with her. You'll be ok?"

"Yes. I'm fine. Go."

After about 12 million hours, they were finally finished putting my insides back in my insides and stitching me up and I could see you. I could hold you. I could feed you.

Oh Lorelei. You were a perfect little newborn. You fit perfectly in my arms. I nursed you right away and then you nuzzled right into my neck and you set up shop. Which you haven't left all year long.

Lorelei, I loved you from the minute you were created. My arms were made to hold my babies. My heart was made to be filled with love for my children. You are my little daughter. My dainty girl. My cuddler. My sensitive soul. My sneaky baby. The apple of my eye.

You are so inquisitive and so determined. If you want something, there is nothing that is going to stand in your way.

You are my girl. You fit so perfectly in my arms and you are happy to be there.

You watch your bigger sister with such admiration and joy. She was the first one to get a real belly laugh from you.

You have daddy wrapped around your finger. He can't say no when you raise your arms to him and ask for up.

You came into our lives when we thought we were unprepared but you have made our family more. You bring joy and peace. You have calmed your sister. You are an amazing little girl and I love you.

Happy Birthday, my darling Lorelei.