An Overwhelming Thanks...

Wow,

I got a big response from my last post, and thankfully, it was all positive! I got 3 comments on the actual blog, 5 emails and 3 private messages on facebook about it. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and stories and love.

Right now, I have a sick husband who is being quarantined, because this sickness will not stay in this house any longer. Mumma says so. 

I have a nearly 1 year old (I have a post about that, but I'm saving it for until she's for real 1) who is sitting, every so nicely, drinking from her cup, watching Baby Einstein, because I know I can get a solid 20 minutes to myself. And having a very sick man in the house (which is basically like another child at times.), I really need this 20 minutes.

I made a most fabulous dinner tonight. Seriously. It was amazing. Alas, it was wasted on just me, Cuinn is too sick and refuses to eat, Aislynn doesn't like pork (unless it's pulled, and on a bun), so my delicious dinner was just for me. While Cuinn sat and pouted in the tub, Aislynn sat and pouted in her high chair because I refused to make her pasta (for the 4th day in a row I might add) again and just kept offering her the dinner I made. (I am not a short line cook.) I sat, enjoying my dinner, pretending I was far away. Eating dinner all by myself, in a room that did not have three loads of laundry needing to be folded, didn't have a children's cd playing incessantly in the back ground, didn't have a sick husband to care for and didn't desperately need to be vacuumed.

Then the realization hit.

Even if I was in that room, I would probably be wishing to be in my messy, loud, love filled home.

I love it here.

A Stay At Home Life...

Know what happens when you're a stay at home mum and you kid turns 1? I'll tell ya...

Most of your mummy friends go back to work. Which really makes you feel like you're not being a productive member of society. And it get's really hard hearing, "I'm so glad to be getting a paycheck" and "It'll be nice to talk to adults again" and "I'm looking forward to *insert whatever really awesome part of their job I'm slightly jealous of*"

Your kid starts getting to old for baby groups, and it's awkward to go, so you end up just not going.

You start staying home. A lot. Which makes you sad. So you stay home more. And it's just a vicious cycle.

It gets even harder to do things around the house, because your kid is so much more on the move.

I don't want to complain about being a stay at home mum. I really don't. I love being here to watch all the milestones, and a work day outfit consists of either my sweat pants, or jeans. If I feel like leaving the house office.

But I've come to realize you don't really become a stay at home mum until your kid is 1. Because before that, it just looks like you're on mat leave with everybody else. So nobody really says anything to you about it, because it doesn't look weird. And it's really easy, because you have this huge support group of people who are in the same, really hard stage of life with you. You get to go to the mummy groups and you all talk about the crying that never ends, the naps that never come, the breasts that always hurt, the husbands who never come home (they do, it just feels like their 8 hour work day is now a 100 hour work day).

Now my kid is 1. And that huge group I was talking about? It's dwindled itself down to 3 people. My friend J with her son C. My other friend K with her daughter and son L and A. They're the only stay at home mummies I know now.

Which, isn't really true, because I have a lot of really great friends who are on mat leave right now. 

BUT, it's not the same thing. Because their kids are really little. And yes, it's awesome because we still talk about the sleepless nights and the breasts that hurt, and crying that never ends and yada yada yada. But they can't really understand this NEW loneliness. The realization that this is my life now. The fact that, until Aislynn goes to school, my circle of mummy friends is going to change every few months. They don't get those looks of disdain when someone asks you, "So when are you going back to work?" and my response is, "I'm already at work. I'm staying home." 

Then the ever hurtful quip that hits me right in the jugular, "Oh, so you're not going back to work, you're staying at home." That is served with a side of judgement.

All this being said though, I don't want my mummy friends who are back at work, or thinking about going back to work at some point, to feel alienated, or hurt or anything by this post. I am so proud of you ladies who work out of the home! I'm so glad you are doing something you love (I hope), and that you have found the choice that works best for you family (I hope even more). I do know that for some mum's, staying at home would just be a gong show and not healthy or not feasible for your situation. I'm so glad that we women even have the choice!

I just want you to know that whatever choice you make is the right one. 

But it's still the wrong choice to someone. 

And you'll feel guilt no matter what you do.

On the upside to my choice though.

I have met some pretty fantastic people. Really, I have. I have made some friends for life. I can't explain the bond of mummy friends, there is none like it. I know that if I need a friend, at any time of the day, then I can call about 5 different people. RIGHT NOW. Who would drop everything to take Aislynn for an hour or two. Or to go for a coffee. Or a walk. Or just to hang out.

That makes me feel so good.

I have watched my amazing daughter transform from itty, bitty infant, to bouncing baby, to precocious, wobbly toddler. It's been an awesome ride.

I have learned so much about myself, and I've seen myself grow (Not just outward, although....). I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job being a mum. Aislynn's still growing and breathing and walking and doing things, so I must be doing something right. Right?

My relationship with my man has changed and blossomed into something new. Which is so scary and exciting. We're not just a couple of kids in love. We're parents in love. And it's just so cool.

I'm thankful for my family and I'm thankful for the opportunity to stay home with Aislynn.

An honest post...

Sometimes I feel like I haven't left high school.

I am one of those people that takes everything to heart. A look. A harsh word. A word that wasn't harsh but I took it harsh anyway. Someone doesn't answer the phone.

I remember growing up and telling on my brother for being mean to me and my mum was constantly sighing while saying, "Sarah, stop being so sensitive, for Pete's sake, he's just bugging you!"

I've been so sensitive for as long as I can remember.

Which makes being a mum/woman/grown up very difficult sometimes.

This is basically my long winded way of getting to my point.

And here it is.

Y'know those people who you feel were put on the earth to make you feel inferior? Those people whose very presence just makes you feel like crap?

I've got a couple of those right now, and I am in my most sensitive right now. I can't explain it, but I'm feeling really crummy right now. The smallest thing sets me off. I nearly cried in front of a friend this week, which, if you know me, does not happen. I might be a crier, but I'm a crier in my own home. I don't do the whole crying in public thing. It mortifies me. 

I will say, I'm glad it happened in front of A, who I've grown pretty close to and feel comfortable enough around that I know she wouldn't judge, she'd just listen.

So basically, this week has been really hard. 

This post is coming off really all over the place, and whiny. Not what I intended.

I'm feeling lost. And out of place. I'm feeling like my faith is really being pushed to the limits and I don't feel like I can take it much longer. 

And all while I'm feeling so uncomfortable in my own skin, that person who makes me feel small and insignificant is making me feel tinier and insignificant-er. To the point that it's time for a break from them.

And that was Cuinn ordered.

Because I don't think he even knows what to do with me anymore. The poor guy. Because, like I said, I do NOT cry in public, but boy have I ever let rip at home this week.

Anyway, I guess the whole point to this post was to get it off my chest. To remind someone else (anyone else) that you're not alone, because if I am feeling this lost, than surely there is someone else who might be feeling this way too. And wouldn't it be comforting to know that they're not going through that alone?

A Silent Sunday...

Source: lesmesaventures1.tumblr.com via Sarah on Pinterest

A 17 Day Sabbatical...

So, the last time I blogged was 17 days ago.

SEVEN-TEEN DAYS AGO!!

How could I be so remiss as to ignore my lovely, faithful readers for so long?

Well, I was in England.

That's my excuse and I'm stickin' to it.

But I'm home now, and my friends keep bugging me to blog again, so here I am.

I have to be honest, I totally missed blogging. Something I never thought I would say, but there ya go.

So, I went on vacation. And it was amazing. Seriously. It was so awesome to get away with my fam jam to see my mum and pops. It was so fantastic to see another country with my best friend (who just happens to be my hubs). It was so great to knock a couple things of my bucket list.

And then add a few more things to my bucket list...

I can't even begin to tell you everything we saw and did because, seriously, we saw way more than the average tourist. Even with an 11 month old baby. So I'll just give ya the highlights.

Without pictures though, because I am still trying to sort through all 914 of them. That was a total lie, I couldn't help but post a 900 of the pics on here.

Just kidding.

Almost...

What? I'm kind of a picture-a-holic.

High light number 1: Seeing my parents again. Obviously.

This picture was the only picture of all of us together, and it's at the airport saying goodbye. Sad. Anyway. It was so awesome to see them again. I have really been missing them, and it was so nice to just BE with my parents again. Although, it has made coming home without them that much harder. 1 and a half more years until they come home!

Highlight 2: Aislynn bonding with my parents. 

This is two fold. I am very close to my parents, so it stands to reason that our children are going to have a close relationship with her grandparents. The other part of it is that I was never near my grandparents, so it has been a different type of relationship. I'm looking forward to seeing the relationship between Aislynn and her grandparents blossom and grow as she gets older. 

Highlight 3: Aislynn getting to see her extended family on her momma's side. AKA, my family...

My mum's mum and her sister's family

My dad's parents and sister

I was so happy Aislynn got to meet her family on my side. This meant a lot to me and my mum and dad. 

Highlight 4: A super fun and super fabulous vacation with my fam jam

Cuinn works so hard for his girls, and it meant so much to us that we were able to get away together and relax. I wouldn't like to go anywhere with anyone else more. PLUS, it was so exciting that Cuinn got to go to another country!

Highlight whatever number I'm at, I've lost count, but my dad can count to a billion: Getting to knock two big things off my bucketlist! 

Cirque Du Soleil was a dream come true. I have almost gone 4 different times. One of those times I even had bought the tickets and then had to sell them to someone else. Each time something came up and I wasn't able to go. This time, I couldn't even get excited about going because I was sure I wasn't going to make it. Maybe Aislynn would get sick? Maybe we would be too late because of London's infamous trains and how they stop all the time? Maybe the show would be cancelled? Well, the train did stop, and we were basically running to get to the show, but I made it. And I can't even talk about how amazing it was. I was blown away by how good it was. I had thought, surely it wouldn't live up to my imagination and dreams, but it did. And more so. I was so moved by the production, the theater, the costumes, everything. It was more than I could ever have asked for. 

Shakespeare's Globe Theater. Again, this was so much more than I could have imagine too. I walked in and my breath was literally taken away with the beauty and majestic-isity (it's a word...shut up) of it. I was on cloud 9. The tour guide was so amazing too, which was a huge bonus for my mum. She's not into theatery stuff like my dad and I are so to have a tour guide who made it interesting for my mum was really great. My vacation was made complete by having seen Cirque and the Globe Theater.

Highlight number-i-should-go-back-and-see-what-number-but-I-can't-be-bothered - Seeing so much of London!

Big Ben 

 London Eye

Parliament 

Tower Bridge 

 Buckingham Palace

10 Downing St. (Where the PM lives)

Highlight number Aislynn: All the different ways Aislynn got to travel!

About to leave for England! 

On the plane to go to Scotland

On the train in Scotland

Her favorite ride

On the big bus tour

Coming home.

And finally one last highlight - A day just for Aislynn.

We went to this really cool indoor playground thing and Aislynn had so much fun! I was so happy to be able to do a fun day for her. Before I had kids I always felt sorry for parents who had to go to these lame places for their kids. I thought they must be bored to tears and so embarrassed to be climbing up those things, looking totally ungraceful and awkward and too big to be in a space that small. Now I know better. I think Cuinn and I had just as much, if not more, fun than her. It was hilarious watching her get so excited to crawl in so many different places, and jump in the ball pit, and ride that little horsey thing. Taking Aislynn to places isn't something we have to do. It's something we get to do. I totally understand that now.

Anyway, that was a few of the highlights of our trip. As you can see, we had a ball. If you can make it to England, you need to go. It was such a good trip and the memories we took home with us are memories that we'll cherish forever.

But, for now, back to our regular scheduled program.