A Last Pregnancy...

I am nauseous

all day long and most of the night.

But it doesn't matter.

I am not quite showing, but I look kinda chunky.

But it doesn't matter.

I haven't been able to sleep for longer than 3 hours in a row in 2 months.

But it doesn't matter.

My first due date was a month and a half off.

But it doesn't matter.

I've developed an intolerance to lactose.

But it doesn't matter.

My eye sight has gone fuzzy again.

But it doesn't matter.

We have to move. Again.

But it doesn't matter.

I have to get a shudder minivan.

But even that doesn't matter.

None of that matters, because this is the last time I will grow a child inside of me. This is the last time I will feel the movements of a baby that Cuinn and I made out of love. This is the last time I will worry over whether that coke that I drank will actually harm the little living creature that is sucking it's thumb in my womb.

This is my last pregnancy.

And although pregnancy to me is akin to a 10 month sentence to the hottest depths of hades, I am cherishing all these moments. Because this is my last one. The last little person Cuinn and I will welcome into my body and into our home and into our family. 

4 years ago I never thought I would be here. I spent night, after night, in tears. Crying out, hating God for not giving Cuinn and I a child. Why couldn't I get pregnant? What was I doing wrong? What else could I do? When would it happen? Would it happen? What was wrong with me? 

Cuinn and I would be devastated, every month that there was no baby. We kept that between us, our private pain. Our private failure. Our own disappointment.

Finally, March 9th, 2011, our first little girl was brought into this world. Aislynn, which means Dream, or a Vision. And she was. We dreamed of her. We prayed for her. We watched my belly grow and grow and grow. We agonized over the perfect name, what kind of parents we would be, what kind of child she would be. Then she came, and we forgot all the plans. All the worrying. All the stress. We were in love. In love with our baby.

2 years later, on April 17, 2013, Lorelei joined our family. Our quiet little Lorelei. My love bug. My cuddler. My girl. She came when we didn't even know we needed her. And we do. We need Lorelei in our life. Aislynn needs Lorelei in her life. Our family just isn't our family with our Lorelei.

And now, dear child, who is as small as an olive. You are what our family needs now. You are what I need. I can't wait to look into your eyes and feel that overwhelming gush of love all over again. I have different worries this time. I worry that as the youngest of 3 you may get lost. I worry that my love won't grow as much as it did with Lorelei. I worry that you won't get as much attention as Aislynn did as a baby, and as Lorelei does now. I worry my arms just won't be big enough for 3 kids in one hug. Will Cuinn and my relationship grow even more or will it become strained with the busy-ness that 3 under 3 brings? Will I sleep again? 

All I know, my baby, is that I will try. I will try to remember that all my children need lots of individual attention. I will try to remember to have patience enough for all of you. I will try to not hate the minivan. I will try.

But I won't need to try to fall in love with you. Because I already have.